Why Are Dying People So Happy?

Some of the happiest people I’ve met are the people at the end of their lives. Why is that? Why are dying people so happy – happier than we think or expect?

Better Than Expected

Certainly, this isn’t true of everyone. Not everyone is happy to die.

A great many don’t go gently, or happily, into their good night. But most are at peace in a way that is truly enviable – and achievable. They don’t seem to be harboring a secret. They are simply more positive in a way that surprises even their closest loved ones.

When caregivers express uncertainty over why these folks are so okay, I often smile and think, “You’ll get there one day. Hopefully. And then you’ll see, too.”

A recent study in Psychological Science confirms this is a reality for many people at death. After studying letters that dying people write, most are happy and content. This is especially true when compared to the way people believe they’ll feel at the end.

Dying is hardly ever as bad as people imagine.

Reduced Fear

Not all of my dying clients are completely unafraid of death. They’re just less afraid of death than people who are not actively dying.

“When we imagine our emotions as we approach death, we think mostly of sadness and terror,” says psychological scientist Kurt Gray of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. “But it turns out, dying is less sad and terrifying – and happier – than you think.”

Why is this the case? Why are dying people less afraid, and happier, than the rest of us?

Contemplating Our Mortality Reduces Fear

The dying are thinking and talking about death. Almost every day.

Unlike the rest of us, dying people can’t avoid this topic. They’re dying. They know their time here on earth is coming to an end. As a result, people at the end of life do a lot of thinking and contemplating.

They’re reviewing their lives and thinking deeply about all the things.

Contrary to public opinion, thinking about this fact of life isn’t bad for us. It’s not morose. Or grim. Or depressing.

“We cannot be truly alive without maintaining an awareness of death. Death is not waiting for us at the end of a long road. Death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment. She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight. She helps us discover what matters most. And the good news is…we don’t have to wait until the end of our lives to realize the wisdom that death has to offer.” – Frank Ostaseski

Most death doulas will tell you the same thing – working in this realm doesn’t darken our mood. In fact, being around death and dying might actually lighten it.

My clients spend most of their time talking to loved ones, experiencing so many emotions, and making final arrangements. They’re also holding space with family and engaging in tender talks.

And they’re telling us it’s not as bad as they thought it was going to be.

Let’s start listening.

Maintaining a Positive Outlook

Sometimes I notice a client feeling sad, but perking himself up because loved ones are coming to visit. He “puts on a happy face” and stays that way, even after his visitors leave. I recall that Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, encouraged us to do this because it works – we trick ourselves into feeling better.

He and other spiritual leaders encourage us to smile as we go about our daily business. I’ve had yoga instructors encourage me and other practitioners to smile during meditation and daily yoga practice.

They tell us to do this, even if we don’t feel like it.

Some therapists agree. This doesn’t mean, especially if you’re a man, that you should go around telling women to smile. No. But when considering what face *you* will wear for the day, remember that the simple act of smiling relaxes the muscles of the face and helps us to feel better.

Some studies suggest squinting all day tricks our brain into thinking we are scowling. Then we get cranky with people, even if there’s no reason for it.

How do you like that? Sunglasses can help us prevent grumpiness.

So why wouldn’t the opposite be true? Why wouldn’t smiling and staying positive help us feel good?

I encourage clients to participate in creative acts of pretending to feel better. This doesn’t mean we should run from our reality, or not do the work to get through a trauma. It just means maybe through creative pretending, or smiling even when we don’t feel like it, we discover things we didn’t realize before.

We can make ourselves sick, right? Then, at some level, we can make ourselves well.

Even if it’s only a state of mind.

Communicate with Love

The last moments of communication with terminally ill or dying patients are often filled with love, connection, and meaning. Most of my clients use positive words, and more of them, the closer they get to dying. This might very well be advanced positive thinking. They get out of their own way and discuss matters of the heart. It contributes to an enhanced capacity for happiness and joy.

Popular Culture Contributes to Fear

Why don’t we talk about the happiness dying people feel? I find myself reading novels or looking at scenes in television shows and movies with more scrutiny. This is especially true since becoming a death doula. They show the dying experience in a way that isn’t realistic.

I felt a similar kind of way when watching birth scenes after becoming a mom.

Not only are scenes depicting childbirth and death inaccurate, but they’re also harmful. People writhing, squirming, or acting out in horrific ways. These are not the norm for the vast majority of my clients.

These images leave viewers worried or scared.

Is Modern Healthcare to Blame?

The way we deal with health care in this country only adds to that misconception. Interactions with doctors, insurance companies, and hospitals can often feel impersonal and cold. Many physicians see death as a failure of some kind and avoid discussing it.

In reality, death is simply not that bad. It’s not a medical event and can be handled with more care, and less institutional distance, thereby creating a more positive experience for almost everyone.

In the End

So maybe, when people get to the end of their lives, they’re not ready to throw a party. But it’s not the horrific nightmare they’ve been led to believe it is.

Hopefully, this research encourages more people to look at death differently. In addition, if we understand this truth, we can also be better caregivers. Rather than projecting our own worries or fears onto dying people, let’s acknowledge that they know better.

They’re the ones experiencing it, after all.

Anitya Doula Services exists to help support more happy dying people and good deaths. Contact me for a consultation today.