My Clients’ Favorite Grief Rituals

When my clients, their loved ones, and I consider and choose specific grief rituals, we do this to process grief and honor loved ones. Sometimes we do this before a death occurs and other times long after.

“Please, please don’t apologize. When grief shows up, give it the attention it needs. Grief will wait. I, myself, tried to work it away, tried to drink it away, exercise it away, sleep it away. It waited. Grief. Will. Wait.  Grief will wait until you give it the attention and time it needs.” – Unknown

We choose from among many different cultures, religions, and faith traditions. I travel worldwide and read countless books, making sure I can offer my clients something that feels right to them. Each ritual holds profound meaning. It also provides insight into the values and beliefs of each community. Rituals also connect us across ethnic and cultural lines, no matter our backgrounds.

After all, everybody hurts.

Types of Grief

Grief rituals help us work through emotional devastation, no matter what type of grief we are feeling. As a death doula, I see these three grief experiences the most.

  • Anticipatory Grief: Distress felt in the days, months, and sometimes years before the death of a loved one or other impending loss.
  • Common Grief: This is the most familiar to people. Reactions such as numbness, shock, disbelief, and/or denial often occur immediately after a loss.
  • Complicated Grief: An ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.

Grief Rituals

“Although some people could call these superstitions, that’s both condescending and beside the point. Rituals are necessary for processing grief and acknowledging the death of a loved one. They’re small actions, but they are also specific ways of feeling like we have some agency in the face of death, and with them, we have done something, even if only symbolically, to help the loved one leave our lives. So these aren’t superstitions so much as rituals that involve us with the process of dying; they give us purpose in the moments after a death, at the very point when otherwise anyone might give in to despair. These are acts of devotion.” – Richard Deming

Here are some of the many grief rituals my clients utilize to process their grief.

Day of the Dead

Originally a Mexican holiday where families create altars to honor their deceased loved ones. This often includes their favorite foods and mementos.

Tibetan Book of the Dead

This revered book describes, and is intended to guide one through, the experiences that the consciousness has after death, in the bardo. The bardo is the interval between death and the next rebirth. The book includes chapters on the signs of death. It also discusses rituals to undertake when death is closing in or has taken place. The text can be used as either an advanced practice for trained meditators or to support the uninitiated during the death experience.

Sitting Shiva

A Jewish, seven-day mourning period where the immediate family stays at home and receives visitors, reciting prayers and reflecting on the deceased’s life.

Antyesti

A Hindu ritual that includes the cremation of the body and the scattering of the ashes in a sacred river, often the Ganges, symbolizing the soul’s release.

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Jazz Funeral

In New Orleans, a procession featuring a brass band plays somber music on the way to the cemetery and lively jazz on the return journey, celebrating the deceased’s life.

Obon

In Japanese communities, Buddhist families light lanterns to guide the spirits of their ancestors back to the family home, ending with a ritual dance and the floating of lanterns on the water.

Tear Bottles

Inspired by Ancient Rome and the Middle East, mourners collect tears in a bottle as a sign of respect for the deceased.

Tinguian Funeral

In Filipino families, mourners dress the deceased in their finest clothes and place them in a chair, often with a lit cigarette, to commemorate their life.

a happy family talking while having dinner

Family Time

After the death, families (and I use that term in the broad sense of the word, chosen or otherwise) gather to play their loved one’s favorite music, go through pictures or videos, and plan remembrance ceremonies.

Kuhane Ritual

A Māorian ritual that resonates with my clients involves storytelling and song, where loved ones share memories and perform traditional dances to honor the deceased.

Crying Songs

A Siberian indigenous ritual, my clients use this tradition by singing special mourning songs to express their grief and help the souls of the deceased pass into the afterlife.

Kaddish

A Jewish prayer is recited by mourners daily for seven days or sometimes eleven months and on the anniversary of the death to honor the deceased and affirm their faith.

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Ancestral Worship

My Asian clients make regular offerings of food, incense, and paper money to both honor and support the spirits of their ancestors.

Totem Poles

Indigenous Peoples of the Pacific Northwest, USA/Canada erect carved poles to honor the deceased and their family lineage.

Islamic Funeral

A swift Muslim burial, usually within 24 hours, includes reciting prayers and wrapping the body in a simple white shroud, reflecting humility and equality before God.

Memorial Tattoos

In various cultures, tattoos commemorate the deceased, often including their name, dates, and significant symbols. I’ve even had clients include cremated remains in their ink for such tattoos.

Mass and Rosary

My Catholic clients hold a mass and recite the rosary for the deceased, focusing on prayers for their soul’s journey.

Bansang

A traditional Korean funeral table set with food offerings for the deceased reflects respect and provides sustenance for their spirit.

Celtic Wakes

An Irish or Scottish gathering of family and friends for storytelling, music, and celebration of the deceased’s life, often with an open casket.

Wailing

Clients from various African tribes and cultures express grief through loud crying, singing, and sometimes physical expressions of sorrow, believed to help release the soul. I even have a few Irish relatives who also do this, we call it keening.

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Haka

A traditional dance in Māori traditions to honor the deceased, expressing collective grief and respect.

Tihar

A Nepalese festival in many cities around the world, including Chicago, that includes honoring the dead by lighting oil lamps and offering prayers, often involving the entire community.

Requiem

Various Christian denominations involve a mass or service featuring special music and prayers for the repose of the deceased’s soul.

Death Masks

Egyptian clients create masks to cover the faces of the deceased, believing this ritual protects their loved one’s soul and helps in their journey to the afterlife.

My clients also find solace in simple rituals like candlelighting ceremonies, memorial services, living funerals, traditional burials, and the scattering of cremains. We routinely gather to create legacy projects such as recipe books or ethical wills. Other times we involve the community like an action day for a local charity in the name of the person who’s died.

Why Are Rituals Important?

“I closed my mouth and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways.” – Rumi

Rituals play a crucial role in dealing with grief for several reasons.

Providing Structure

They offer a sense of order and predictability during a time of emotional chaos. Rituals also create a structured environment where mourners engage in comforting, familiar activities. In the face of the uncontrollable nature of death, they offer a sense of agency and involvement.

They give mourners specific actions to perform, which can be empowering and grounding.

Facilitating Expression of Emotions

Rituals provide a safe space for expressing grief and emotions. Through practices such as crying, storytelling, or singing, individuals release their feelings in a communal setting. This collective experience also fosters a sense of belonging and support, helping individuals feel less isolated in their grief.

They also mark the end of one phase of grief and the beginning of another, guiding mourners through their emotional journey.

Honoring the Deceased

Rituals are a way to pay tribute to the deceased, acknowledging their life and impact. This can be a vital step in preserving their memory and ensuring their legacy lives on. We include actions or objects that symbolize the continued presence or influence of the deceased, helping mourners maintain a connection to their loved ones.

What Rituals Work For You?

Engaging in rituals helps individuals process their grief. They also mark important milestones and transitions, aiding in the journey from acute mourning to eventual acceptance. Rituals often incorporate cultural, religious, or spiritual beliefs that offer a framework for understanding death and the afterlife. This also provides comfort and meaning to the bereaved.

Please don’t hesitate to email me your ideas for grief rituals via email, over at Substack, or in the comments below. I can always use more suggestions that may help future clients in need.

Contact me for grief support and processing at Anitya Doula Services anytime.

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